I am really angry today. Another blow up from my alchie this morning over something really stupid. So much anger and screaming, I am really surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police. There is so much rage in her eyes and it really scares me. I do not want to live like this anymore. I need to find a way out. I know I am supposed to be worrying only about my wrongs and shortcomings and forgive and know it is not her it is the disease but I am so very tired of living it this chaos. I truly would rather be alone for the rest of my life.
I know the best way to recover is to share but even though I am so new to this and it is okay if I just listen, I wish I did not find it so difficult to share. When I think about what I would say when I was ready to share, it sounds as if it is all about my current alcohol. It is not all about her for me but episodes she triggers start my issues. It sounds as if I am blaming her but I am not. Her issues do trigger my issues. It is all about how I handle the episodes and screaming matches. These arguments still hurt me deeply and cut me to the core. I know that it is her disease talking and she really does love me but it is really hard to separate the two. That is what I need to focus on. It is possible I could make the situation better faster by how I choose to handle it. I welcome comments.
Tomorrow is Monday and there is another meeting I can go to. I am really excited just to be around other people with similar situations. It is a different location with a different crowd but that is okay with me. I am not ready to share yet for several reasons. The biggest reason is because I do not do well in strange crowds or talking in front of a group of people. The next reason is because one of the first things I learned when initiating research on Al-anon is that it is not about the alcoholic, it is about me and my recovery. It is about what I need to work on and improve on about myself that will get me through my recovery. I knew all along I had issues but until recently it was still about my alcoholic, her recovery, her issues, her struggles and her demons. All of my focus on her issues was not only unhealthy for me but it truly hinders my recovery. As I read other blogs and other struggles I am beginning to see that I need to focus more on what I do to keep me from recovering and why Al-anon is so important to me.
Welcome to my blog. I am starting this blog in an effort to log my daily life and the struggles of coping with the affects of alcoholism in my life. I am not an alcoholic but I am in love with a recovering alcoholic and both of my parents and sister were all alcoholics. I say were because the three of them have passed away.
I am just getting started in Al-anon and I have been to one meeting that I enjoyed very much. I can only go to meetings during the day and there are just not very many available in my area. I began searching the internet and found online meetings available and a ton of blogs that I really enjoyed reading. It let me know that I am not alone in my day to day struggle that seems to be so difficult for people to understand.
Please enjoy and feel free to contact me.
Save Me Al-Anon! 